I am following the Love Dare everyday.  I am not posting everyday so the dates on the post and the dare posted will not match.  I intend to cycle through the Love Dare on a continuous loop, so you will see a 40 day cycle if you follow the writing.  I can’t perform the dares directly, due to honoring my wifes desire that I not contact her in any fashion.  I’m joined in prayer with others who are asking for healing in my wife, and myself and our marriage.   I plan to be candid and as honest as personal insight will allow, this is about my deeds, my mistakes, my process, not my wifes.

May I just say it is so much easier to write this blog on my laptop instead of on my phones touchpad!  I was holding off blogging until I received some input from a reader.  That has happened, thank you Katie, so here I go.

I did not follow the ground rules outlined in the book about fighting fair.  I had opportunity to do this with a willing wife, but laziness and stupidity on my part put it off.  The reading continues from the previous day to explain that conflict is inevitable in a marriage.  Depending upon how this conflict is handled determines if the marriage survives.  There are methods of fighting fair that allow success and for both parties to come out stronger on the other side of the conflict.

“The deepest, most heartbreaking damage you’ll ever do (or ever have done) to your marriage will most likely occur in the thick of conflict.  That’s because this is when your pride is strongest.  Your anger is hottest.  You’re the most selfish and judgemental.  Your words contain the most venom.  You make the worst decisions.”  (from “the Love Dare”)

Unfortunately, I can attest to the absolute truth of the above quote.  My default decision after or during the heat of conflict was to leave.  When I stormed off I felt convinced that I had reached the end, that I didn’t want this marriage.  Every single time after varying cooling off periods, I experienced profound pain of the loss of my marriage and missed my wife like nothing else.  Attempts were made to right the marriage, my wife opened her heart to me again and again, only to be hurt and abandoned again.  She in no way ever deserved to be treated in this manner, nothing was worth my feeling I “had” to leave.

The damage from these departures eroded the security my wife felt in the relationship.  Most painful to realize is that it communicated exactly the opposite of what I felt towards her and believed about her.  I would say, “I love you, like no one else, I want to spend the rest of my days with you, I never want to divorce, I am so glad we are together, I will do whatever is necessary to make this work.”  All these words turned to lies by my leaving.  Can I blame my wife for not wanting anything to do with me now?  NO!

The tools for laying the groundwork and boundaries are clearly laid out and completely doable, in “the Love Dare”.  The days lesson ends by reminding us that love is not a fight but it is worth fighting for!

My fight for the marriage and love I have is in the realm of the spirit, because I can have no direct contact with my wife.  For those of you that may stumble across this blog and believe in love and the Author of love, please join me in prayer to make right what I have made so wrong.

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