This was to be my last post as Pops Dumonde.  I have come to the realization that when a marriage relationship has deteriorated to the level of mine, it is time to “move on”.  I believe in the principles in the book, “The Love Dare”.  I highly recommend this book to anyone wishing improve their marriage, and all the better if BOTH parties are willing to work through this process.  My wife is categorically uninterested in working on our marriage.

You CANNOT have a successful marriage if both parties are unwilling to forgive.  You cannot keep a record of wrongs and expect anything to change.  If you to continue to see your spouse through the filter of hurts, or offenses and have gone so far as “type” the other person, so that anything they do fits a profile, you can be sure of one thing—- DIVORCE.

When I started the Love Dare this time around, I was in a lot of emotional pain.  I was being assailed with suicidal thoughts at a frequency I had never experienced prior to this time.  I will not suicide; I have a plan of action to combat it.  That does stop the thoughts though.  As I worked through the Love Dare I took a hard look at myself and as honest an inventory of my deeds, as possible.  I believe in personal responsibility, I accept my misdeeds, I have confessed them and received forgiveness for them, from God, not my wife.

Perhaps 1 week ago, I was experiencing some relief, for part of a day, then most of a day, then a whole day!  Every day though after writing this blog, I was experiencing a different kind of depressed mood.  I would become fearful of an impending divorce, (keep in mind my wife severed all communications with me); I’d watch for the mail, expecting legal papers.  I would go down in my mood so far, that I dreaded a new assault of suicidal thinking.  I cannot afford to go back there!

Last night I contacted a pastor friend and told him that I could not handle living in this limbo and was considering filing for divorce.  He urged me to talk to my pastor first and advised that I wait for my wife to “leave”, so I would be released.  He further stated that the pain would not ease and the closure I sought would not come through divorce.  Good advice, so I contacted my pastor.  He urged me to make contact with my wife and request communication being opened to resolve the conflict.  Good advice, I emailed my wife.  She returned some very nasty remarks and told me her life is much better without me and told I was deluding myself if I thought I could, or have changed.

I will be starting divorce proceedings after the Holidays.

I believe God works miracles and hears our prayers.  I also know that we can assert our self-will and God allows us to continue on our willful way until we die, if we insist.  I really feel like I’m trying to stay alive long enough for God to be done with me, my marriage and that goal seem to be at odds.  If my starting the divorce proceedings is something that God does not want me to do, I am listening.

God bless you my faithful 3 readers and peace to you and yours.  If anyone stumbles upon this blog, get a copy of “The Love Dare” and give it your all.

Katie, I don’t know what you are going through or even if you are still out there, but a special thanks to you.  I continue to lift you and your daughters up in prayer…..Stan

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