I have seen burning bushes, but I have never had God audibly speak to me; I do “hear” from God though.  I believe that everything God has to say about how to please Him, live our lives and have the kind of life He would have us have, is in the Bible.  There are many people who interpret God’s Word to fit their personal beliefs and lifestyles.   That is not how I believe we should hear Gods’ words.

We do have free will and can choose to live our lives any way we choose.  We can claim to hear God and live in accordance to those beliefs.  In the “Big Book” of Alcoholics Anonymous, this way of living is referred to as, “self will run riot”.  All my best plans and thinking in matters of importance have had disastrous consequences.  That is where I am today, living out the consequences of “doing it my way”.

I posted in the last blog that I felt that my marriage was irrevocably damaged and because my wife has no interest in counseling or the marriage, I was going to file for divorce after the holidays.  That was my best thinking there.  My observation of the marriage is accurate; however my motivation for filing for divorce was wrong.

I have struggled with major depression all my life and suicidal thoughts during the onset of depressive episodes are not uncommon.  I have heard it said that people suicide when they start feeling better, coming out of depression.  I could never figure that one out, even though I was offered an explanation that I now have experienced.  When coming up out of the pit of depression, the slope is very slippery.  If you start feeling better, anything that starts you down that slide causes fear to set in.  You desperately do not want to go down where you just barely escaped with your life, rational thought is hard to hang on to.

I have been experiencing some relief from this last venture to the pit.  I was experiencing fear of what might be in the mail, divorce papers or no?  I was reading and pouring my heart into the Love Dare book and while I was learning, I also became discouraged.  In the book I agreed with the authors Biblical interpretation that divorce is not God’s will.  They went on to refer to marriages that ended in divorce because of the unwillingness of one of the partners; unwilling to forgive, unwilling to humble themselves and erase the record of wrongs suffered.  When discouraged and fearful, the slide begins.

I contacted a pastor friend, whom I trust as “rightly dividing the word of God”.  I told him I couldn’t handle being in limbo anymore and that I was going to file for divorce to end this agonizing situation.  He told me not to do that, that it would not ease my pain, would not give me the resolution I wanted.  He advised letting my wife file, therefore “releasing” me.  He said he would continue to pray for a change of heart in my wife.  Being desperate and irrational, I did not heed his advice and announced my plans for divorce.

Since that time I have had several people support what my pastor friend said.  “Give her time”, to process what she needs to and let her file if that is what she ultimately decides.  I emailed my wife, only means of communication available now, and told her she has all the time she needs and I explained my divorce announcement was made out of fear.  Today my wife told me she wants a divorce and will file as soon as possible.  She had previously said she was waiting to hear from God.  I know there are plenty of people who support her reasoning and may even have encouraged divorce.  Some may have gone as far to say it is God’s will, or God is okay with you divorcing, if you “have peace about it”.  I believe those are lies.

I hear from God by studying His word; He “hates divorce”.  We are allowed to divorce because of the “hardness of our hearts”, it is not His plan.  He uses marriage to describe the relationship that He has had with His people throughout the Bible and as the type of relationship between Jesus and the Church.  There are Bible teachers, who know the Bible way better than I; friends understand scripture and women better than I.  I hear from God, first from His Word and then those who bear witness to that word.  These are not people who add to the scripture, or twist it to meet their needs or desires.

I believe that with God all things are possible.  But we have to submit to His will and teaching.  I have thoroughly examined myself in the light of scripture and been as honest as I can be.  I did much wrong, I have asked God to forgive and believe He has.  My wife would probably say she has forgiven me, but she hasn’t.  God forgives and “holds no record of our wrongs”, my wife has a list a mile long of my wrongs.  Who can live with the list of their sins and hurts inflicted on someone else being held in front of them constantly?

I hold no hope out for this marriage.  I believe in God more strongly than ever.  He has sent people to help and He has been ever present guiding and encouraging me through this valley.  He alone knows my heart, He alone sees me as He has made me to be and He will guide me to realize that life, with or without my wife.