I am grateful for many things, more so since going through this very painful divorce experience. I am grateful that I am a recovering alcoholic in a 12 step program.  Every meeting I attend, I witness the gradual life rebuilding miracle of recovery.  I witness the Love of God towards those of us who have exhausted all humanly possible attempts at changing our lives around.  I see people so bitter towards a God that “abandoned” them years ago, come to believe in the God that never leaves us, nor forsakes us.

Our faith was exhausted, life had no joy for us and many of us contemplated suicide, some actually did kill themselves, cutting short the promise of a new day.  I was blessed to be in a meeting this past Monday, that was the most emotional meeting I have ever been to in my 20 years in AA.  I did not share at this meeting my own suicidal tendencies.  Four people out of the fifteen in the group had spouses that suicided.  Two people had toddlers die on them.  All of us had been at the end of a death march of sorts.  At the close of the meeting, all the women were crying, the men were choking back tears and we were all so glad to be there!  We are a strange family, brought together by an illness that resisted all outside interventions, only God could relieve us of our disease and would if He were sought.

I began writing this post with the frustration of a failed marriage in mind.  I was discouraged, wavering in my faith, and generally at wits end.  I have been here before and it is exactly at this point where I once again lay all my concerns, all my fears, my powerlessness in the very capable hands of God.  I will not lose my faith with this marriage, all I need to do is keep going to meetings and I can see the work that God is doing.

I have been guilty of an idolatry regarding my wife.  My wife stated that, “nothing on earth or in heaven can make me change my mind” of divorcing me.  I believe her, but God is more powerful than my wife.  She may get her divorce, but I do not think it is going to give her what she thinks it will give her.  Everyone, including myself who has had the audacity to stand up to God and challenge Him, has been humbled.

I have accepted that this marriage will end in divorce.  I accept it, I do not approve of it.  The filing will probably be done this week, and since we are in a “no-fault divorce state”, that will be the end.  Many strong believers have prayed with me, for the marriage, for my wife, and I am very grateful for that.  Just because we miss God’s plan for our lives, does not mean God’s plan is untrue, or not possible for those who seek it for there lives.

All avenues are exhausted, except for what God chooses to do in this situation.

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